Krampus pt.4

Then officer Dan gulps down some caffeine 
 Produces the list that they found at the scene   
 ‘You know, Mr Santa, I’m sick of these games, 
 what shit will we find when we check out these names?’
  
 Well, the suspect he slams his fists on the table
 Says, ‘Don’t piss me off with your Santa Claus label. 
 You call something ‘nice’, you foster polarity,
 then mess with the rules like bullshit’s a charity.’ 
  
 In a jingle of sleigh bells he’s out of the cuffs 
 Pins officer Dan to the wall by the scruffs,
 ‘See, lists are like wishes, best mind how you use them. 
 They’re hard to undo and most mortals abuse them.’   
  
 Then he slaps on his belly and roars, ‘Ho-Ho-Ho.’ 
 As the room gets all jumbled with reindeer and snow
 And he leans in real close, pulls a pen from Dan’s pocket   
 Writes the word ‘Naughty’ on the wall, by the socket  

tbc…

Krampus pt.3

Two hours later and the tech squad are there
 Using their face recognition software 
 A suspect is spotted just ten blocks away 
 A man with a sack, some deer and a sleigh 
  
 Cops take him down in a sinkhole of sirens 
 Flashing their torches and several firearms  
 ‘Are you gonna come quietly?’ a policeman yells
 Over squalling alarms and rusty sleigh bells
  
 The suspect just smirks as they unbuckle Prancer 
 Flips them the bird and refuses to answer
 So he gets escorted on down to the station 
 Thrown into a van with a fearsome Alsatian 
  
 He’s stuck in an interview room with no view 
 And given a list of the things he should do 
 Police officer Dan sits down with a flurry 
 Says, ‘Kidnapping children’s the least of your worries.
  
 It’s unsociable hours on the solicitor’s fee 
 And we’ll need a fresh copy of your last CRB
 Your resident permits are rather unclear 
 And I hope for your sake they’re domestic reindeer
  
 Then there’s the matter of carbon emissions
 And the use of a sleigh in adverse conditions 
 Police officer Dan he leans back in his chair, 
 Says, ‘If you’re doing Santa, then what’s with the hair?
  
 There’s more on your kneecaps than grows on your head 
 And that fur on your jacket don’t look like it’s dead.
 There’s no judge on earth’s gonna grant you some bail, 
 and there’ll be quite a queue for your presence in jail.’     

tbc…

Krampus pt.2

Young Toby McManners is gaming alone
 Slaughtering his friends with a Fortnite drone 
 The Last Man Standing is within his grasp 
 When his door slides open with a terrible rasp
  
 ‘Do not disturb!’ he screams all ironic 
 But Disturbed has a list, and his name is on it 
 A flip and a trip and a slap round the back 
 And Toby is swapped for some coal in a sack 
  
 Mum hears a thump while she’s scrolling on Twitter  
 She drops off the feed in a flurry of glitter 
 Storms down the hall and discovers the scene  
 A GAME OVER tag flashing up on the screen 
  
 And a sack full of coal where the poor boy got took
 She bites back a sob and updates her Facebook 
 ‘Toby is missing,’ she types all red eyed,
 ‘it’s a sad day for sure, but at least he’s outside.’  

tbc…

Krampus pt.1

#not for Christmas, but for life

It’s late Christmas Eve on Winterbourne Road 
 The snowfall is crisp and shockingly cold 
 When up on the rooftop of number eight 
 A scrabbling wind knocks some ice off the slates 

And from out of the darkness rides folklore and fear 
 In a pale, wooden sleigh with six ghastly reindeer 
 He steps onto the lawn in a slithering mist 
 Then flicks a wry smile and pulls out a list 

He checks on it once and stops by a name 
 Takes a glance ‘round the street and checks it again 
 Then he shoulders a sack, leaves the reindeer untied 
 Kicks down the front door and heads on inside

 He picks up a scent like the stuff of nightmares  
 Gives a self-assured snarl, and bounds up the stairs 
 His breath is all primal, he’s covered in lice 
 He’s not on the hunt for a kid who’s been nice  

tbc…